Grumpy Versus Gratitude
Yesterday I was very grumpy. It happens, and it had a tight grip on me, where nothing could shake it. This morning, a full 24-hours later, and I am still grumpy.
This state of grumpiness is senseless, even though some would say understandable. As I dissect it to find what is behind being grumpy the following thoughts flowed (a bit too easily).
1. I am in pain. It is, what it is, and there is nothing right now that can address the pain.
2. The unknown of my sickness is weighing on my mind.
3. I am dreading my return to the brutal cold of VA.
As I wrote these in my journal my breath was shortened, my head whirled, as if it was disconnected. And it was disconnected. Caught in obstacles of my thoughts, I was working against my own self. The worst obstacle was worry. Worry can crush you heart with its weight.
As these thoughts lingered I decided to re-read 2:9, in the Practice of the Yoga Sutra, Sadhana Pada. In this passage Panditji discusses Pantajali’s worlds about death and how the fear of death holds us in a grip of fear. Panditji wrote quite a bit about this fear, but the words about negativity leaped off the page to guide me out of grumpiness. He wrote how a concerted effort to check our negative mental tendencies will transform our mind, keeping us from becoming judgmental, self-righteous, suspicious and cynical.
So let me try my journal entry again and take my disconnected thoughts and reconnect them to my soul.
1. The pain isn’t that bad and is manageable with breath, meditation, yoga poses, and positive mental attitude.
2. The Universe has me and although I don’t have a concrete reason for being sick, I am already healing. The body is rejuvenating. So what if there is that little thing called a “biopsy” looming. It is what it is, and doesn’t take away from the fact that I already feel much better and am getting better every day.
3. I have a wonderful home in VA, great friends and fantastic work. And I get to come back to SC in two weeks, my refuge. I am blessed.
In my effort to not be judgmental, self-righteous, suspicious and cynical (because none of that sounds
like fun to be around) I continue to be a work in progress, but I can say the shift from negative mental chatter to one that is full of gratitude and love has me feeling better inside.